Unrequited Love

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. And in Harper's case, it seems absence makes the heart grow creepily, uncomfortably fonder. 

Harper's first love is Gabe. She hasn't seen him for about a year, but he came by for a visit last week and she was beside herself. 

Side note: Gabe is a grown man with a wife and kids. 

First they watched her favorite movie: a BBC deep sea documentary. Not the most riveting. But Harper had Gabe sit and watch every second of it and even narrated most of it. 

"Look Gabe. Look at that fish swimming. Look at that other fish swimming. Look at that shrimp."

This went on for about 40 minutes. And about midway through she started calling him Gab. I think it was her attempt at a pet name. Gab was a good sport. 

At dinner Harper had Gabe sit next to her on the bench. The bench fits four people, yet Harper sat so close to Gabe he didn't have use of his left arm. 

"Harper give him a little space. He can't even eat," I said. 

"But I just love Gab," she said and nuzzled his arm with her face.

 

Another side note: I do not show affection this way, so I'm not sure where she's seen it. My guess is it's either from watching cat videos or it was an entirely primal attempt to scent mark him. In which case she probably marked him with Sweet Baby Ray's barbecue scent.  

"Seriously stop, you need to scoot over."

"I think you're yummy," she said to Gabe in a very Ron Burgandy way, not even acknowledging me. 

"Uh what? Harper scoot now," I said. 

"Yum yum yum yum," she said as she scooted an entire centimeter. 

She also insisted on taking several photos with Gabe. She's not looking in any of the photos of course, because she's looking at Gabe. 

To Gabe's wife Lauren: I can only apologize and say it's not her fault. I blame her parenting. I will do my best to make sure she doesn't cook your rabbit at any point in the future.

A Little Off The Top

Shopping with kids can be a joy. Never. It can be a joy never.

On Saturday the family set out to explore a cute little town nearby. It had kitschy collectible stores, antique shops, waterfront restaurants and historic hubs.

At first, the girls did amazing. They were happy during lunch and tried new foods without complaining. Sweet Violet took a nap in my carrier, and Harper the Brave didn't break anything. When we were about three hours past Harper's typical nap time, the beginnings of fussiness were starting to show. We decided to call it a day.

Nick and I high-fived each other; super proud of ourselves for being able to do grownup things for an entire afternoon without any mishaps. "We have awesome kids!" "We could do this everyday!"

We got too cocky.

We decided to stop in one last shop on the way to the car. It was one of those two-story shops in what used to be an old house. It was filled with thousands of random things. On the second floor, Nick called my attention to a cool jar. While we debated where it could go in our house, Harper went rogue.

Then we hear the "eh eh eh" sound she makes when she's stuck or pulling against something. Typically she does it when she's in her carseat. Like, if we think she's actually stuck instead of just buckled in, we'll release her. But this time she actually was stuck.

She was lying facedown on the floor...with a small strand of her hair stuck in a fan. How this even happened, I'll never know, because her hair was not caught in the fan blade, it was stuck in the base of the fan. Why she was even lying down on the floor, I'll never know. How she managed to pick the one spot with a fan next to it, I'll never know. I clearly have more questions than answers at this point.

Luckily (and I use that term loosely) Nick's pocket knife had one of those little scissors on it so we could cut Harper's hair free. We walked the rest of the way back to the car shaking our heads. We knew better.

I felt like Brett Favre. We should've called it a day when we were ahead. Instead we left in a cloud of embarrassment.

Good game, girls. You win again.

My Feud With Capers

Recently, my friend Sarah took me on my inaugural trip to Costco. It was beautiful and glistening with hundreds--maybe thousands--of things I didn't know I needed.

As I strolled the aisles, (and by "strolled" I mean "walked so fast I was nearly jogging because I had two kids in the cart") I debated which innovative item would come home with me. A beach chair with a built in beach bag? Bulk diapers or milk? A glassware set that could replace our plasticware so my husband wouldn't get weird sperm?

Nope. I blew past all of those things. I came home with a quart of capers. Yes, capers. Capers are like the Lindsey Lohan of the cooking world. Every 10 years they're in something good and the rest of the time they're just around doing God knows what and costing a lot of money.

In hindsight I can admit it was a terrible game time decision. Sarah was unimpressed. I tried to defend my choice: "We love capers. We eat them all the time. Can't get enough of them, really."

Clearly, I'm having buyer's remorse and also looking for new caper recipes. My family might revolt if I suggest chicken piccata again...

Here's one we tried recently that was pretty good:

Tomato Basil CAPER Quinoa Pasta

Ingredients

• 2 cups cherry or grape tomatoes
• 1/2 cup olive oil
• 6 cloves minced garlic
• 20 basil leaves, torn or julienned 
• 2 teaspoons chopped oregano
• 2/3 cup capers (optional, unless you live in my house)
• salt and pepper to taste
• red pepper flakes (optional)
• 1 pound dried quinoa pasta
• 1 cup parmesan cheese

Heat the 1/2 cup of olive oil in a saute pan on medium heat. Add the garlic and let it cook for about a minute. Next add the tomatoes, basil, oregano, salt and pepper. I used an assorted variety of small tomatoes. They looked amazing. They're practically the beauty queens of the tomatoes world.

In a sauce pan bring 4 quarts water to a boil. I cook all my pastas in chicken broth, so I added a bouillon paste to the water once it boiled. Then I added the quinoa pasta.

Side note about the quinoa pasta: I first heard about it from my friend Sarah (a different Sarah, but still just as awesome.) Sarah is an exercise physiologist, personal training expert and nutritionist. Also she's built like a superhero. So when she recommended quinoa pasta as a high protein, gluten-free alternative to pasta, I gave it a shot. Sarah did warn against overcooking, so I began checking the pasta at six minutes. It ended up being al dente at eight minutes. I drained it and rinsed it with cold water.

See, it looks totally normal.

When the tomatoes look deflated like a week old balloon you want to throw away but your toddler might not survive if you do, add the capers. They only need to cook long enough to heat through, so a minute or two.

Pour the tomato mixture over the pasta, add the parmesan and toss. Many of the tomatoes will burst, and their juice becomes part of the sauce. At this point I added red pepper flakes to my husband's dish because he likes a little heat.

Quinoa pasta verdict: It was really good. The texture was a tiny bit more grainy than traditional pasta, but I probably wouldn't have noticed that if I didn't already know it was made from quinoa. I will say I reheated the leftovers the next day for lunch, and the pasta was a bit sketch. Definitely better the first time around.

Enjoy!

First Impressions Last a Lifetime

We use the finest organic toddler fertilizer. 

Mediocre parenting tip: Do not go camping while trying to potty train. It's confusing to the trainee.

For Father's Day last year we decided to take Harper the Brave on her first camping trip. We were nearing the end of potty training so we decided to skip the diapers and let her go outside. She loved it. So much so that when we got home I'd have to physically redirect Harper when she'd take off in a dead sprint to the front door instead of the bathroom. I was like a basketball player guarding the ball, shuffling sideways in a low, wide stance, with my arms out, keeping myself between her and the front door.

Fast-forward a couple days, and our new neighbors are out front, so I go out to say hello. They are wonderful: southern, sweet, charming. As we're talking, I see their gaze slowly drift to something behind me. I turn to look, and it's Harper. Pooping in the flower bed.

I quickly hustle her inside to have my husband clean her up while I'm saying the typical, "She's never done this before," and "Kids are so unpredictable" type of thing.

Finally everything had settled down and Harper was back to her sidewalk chalk. Our conversation with the neighbors had resumed and it seemed as if they might not even remember the incident. That's when I see their eyes drift over my shoulder. In my head I'm hoping it's because she's a sidewalk chalk Picasso and they can't peel their eyes from her amazing artwork. Nope.

I slowly follow their gaze to Harper. Pooping on the sidewalk.

"Good God, child! How much poop is in you?" I say as we head inside.

Quietly behind me I hear our neighbors say, "Bless her heart," which I have recently learned is Southern for "Her life is terrible and I wouldn't switch places with her for anything."

Cold-Brewed Coffee...Because Toddlers

Use the leftover coffee to make ice cubes so your drink won't get watered down.  The only ice cube trays I have in the house are fish shaped. I feel like my 21-year-old self would think my 31-year-old self is really lame. 

I was reading my Real Simple magazine the other day and found out why the iced coffee I've been making tastes like actual crap. 

Apparently the trick is to cold brew it. Simply chilling hot coffee will give you a bitter, acidic taste. But cold brewing gives you a milder, smoother iced coffee. Here's how:

Mix about two cups of ground coffee with four cups of room temperature water. Real Simple suggests course to medium ground coffee, but I just used the regular ground Folgers from the grocery. 

Let the mix sit in a glass container over night. Here's what mine looked like in the morning:

After about 12 hours pour the mix through a mesh strainer lined with a coffee filter. The mix should produce about three cups of cold-brewed coffee.

Since the coffee is pretty concentrated, I suggest adding cream or milk. I have about two parts coffee to one part cream in the picture below. I also made ice cubes with some of the left over brew. The chance of me finishing a drink in one sitting has greatly decreased since having kids. 

The coffee should stay fresh in the fridge for up to two weeks. And don't throw away those grounds! I'll have a blog post later this week about uses for them. Cheers!

DIY: Easy Growth Chart

I still remember the section of wall that my mom would mark to measure our height each year. As a kid, I loved looking back at the previous year's mark and seeing how much I'd grown. I wanted something similar for my kids, but being a military family we move a lot. You can buy paper or plastic growth charts, but the constant moving can add a lot of wear and tear. I set out to make something that was durable but also portable. And in true Mediocre fashion: easy and quick.

I started by buying a 6-foot piece of unfinished wood from Lowe's ($16). It was pre-cut to 6 feet and came in a couple different width options. I chose six inches wide. Here're the other supplies I used:

I stained the board with leftover stain I had from a previous project in the shade "mineral green." But I didn't like the finish so I used a darker stain, "gunstock." I just poured the stain right on the wood and rubbed it around with a sock I found. I think it was Nick's. Obviously if you want it to be perfect, follow the directions on the can instead of my pour/sock method.

After it dried overnight, I added the hash marks with a black Sharpie. I made the inch marks two inches in length and the quarter-inch marks an inch in length. I started marking the chart at six inches because I was planning on hanging it six inches from the ground.

I added the stickers I got from Michaels ($4) in the center of the board. You could also use stencils and paint, but I was looking for something a little more quick and easy.

Then I sprayed the whole thing with two coats of a clear gloss sealant so the stickers wouldn't lift at the edges. Modpodge would also work similarly.

Finally I attached a small metal sawtooth picture hanger (six for $1) to the back of the board and hung it six inches from the floor.