I thought taking the girls to explore a nearby cavern would be fun. So Monday morning we packed our lunches and got on the road. My first setback came when I saw it cost $26 to enter the cavern. It seemed like a lot of money to explore something that no one built.
But I happily paid it knowing how excited Harper would be. I imagined Future Harper graduating from geology school, speaking to her class about how a trip to a cave when she was three sparked an interest she never forgot. I couldn't put a price tag on that.
Then I found out we would be exploring the cave in a group led by a tour guide. Pre kids I would've thought this was great. With kids, I realize this just increases the number of people that my kids can ruin an experience for. My mommy alarm started quietly going off. This might be a bad idea, it said. But I had already driven the nearly two hours it takes to get there, so I figured we'd forge ahead.
We were with a group of about 15 people, most of whom I would grow to hate. We descended 68 stairs to reach the floor of the cavern. When we got to the bottom Harper looked around.
"This is amazing," she said wide-eyed. I knew it. I knew she'd love it.
"I'm hungry," she said approximately nine seconds later.
The tour guide began his intro: "No touching or climbing on anything in here."
There's virtually no chance of that happening, I thought. No climbing? Maybe. But no touching? That's just a pipe dream, Anthony.
"The tour is an hour and fifteen minutes long and a mile and a quarter in length."
That seems long. But if Violet gets fussy, I'll just turn around and go back.
"No leaving the group. The lights are on timers. Once we pass though an area the lights turn off. The cave is nearly impossible to navigate in the dark."
Sonofabitch.
And there it was. The moment I realize why my mommy alarm was going off. It's very similar to dating when you finally realize why someone is still single. Yep, there it is. That's why.
So with Violet in the carrier and Harper with strict instruction not to climb, touch or spit on anything, we continued ahead.
Cue Violet. If I had to think of a list of places that are terrible for a baby to start crying, an echoey, exit-less cave would be at the very top of that list. Luckily she didn't cry the entire time. The last six minutes she was pretty happy.
Here's a list of people we were lucky enough to join on this adventure:
-The woman on a date trying to be cute: "Oh my. Guess what that looks like. I'm not going to say it, but I think you know," she said. Giggles. I'll say it. It looks like a penis. Everything in here looks like a penis. We are in a mile-long cave surrounded by penis-looking structures. Can we move on now, Carol? You're too old for this.
-The guy who had to take pictures of all the things but couldn't figure out why none of his pictures were turning out. Because it's dark. It was dark back there, it's dark right here, it'll be dark up ahead. You're in a cave. Enough with the pictures.
-The helper. She was either very nice or trying to steal my stuff. She kept offering to carry my diaper bag. "Seriously I don't mind," she said. "I can see you need both of your hands." The thing is, I was already using both of my hands. One to pat Violet on the back, and the other to hold Harper's hand. My diaper bag is a backpack and I was wearing it--hands free--on my back. It was strange. Each time I declined. "Well, let me at least take your picture," she said. This is what she took:
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| Two-thirds of the people in this picture have their eyes closed. And Harper is hooking Violet. |
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| Crushed it. Great pictures. Thanks for forcing your photography skills on me. |
But still, out of all these people, the most annoying person there was me. I knew it and they knew it.
Finally, the tour guide said the tour was concluded. And we did see some pretty cool things. Violet had temporarily stopped crying. Harper didn't permanently damage anything. I was beginning to think this might have been a mini success.
"Now if you'll all just follow me up these 68 stairs..."
Sonofabitch.
