$#!t They Say

If you'd like to add a quote, leave it in the comments or email it to mediocreparenting@gmail.com.

"Caillou is a whiny bitch." Landon, 4

"Mom, the sea witch stole my voice." Evelyn, 3

"So, does anybody need a beer?" Landon, 4, at 7 a.m.

"Mom, where's my blue ball?! My blue ball!!" Landon, 4, at a crowded pool

"It's a poop-mergency!" -Harper, 2

"Look mom, I made foot prints with my pee." -John, 3

"Are you putting this on me to calm me down? Well it's not working." -followed by yelling, Kal, 6.

"Wait a minute mommy, I have to wash the other piece of my butt." -Boy, 3, referring to his other cheek.

"There daddy, I fixed your vagina." Harper, 3, after hitting daddy in the crotch with a toy hammer

"I like your fancy boobies, Mama." Girl, 2.5

"You and Mom are always trying to control me. You don't control me, only God can control me." -in reference to bed time, Girl, 4

"I just love teenagers and oxy-clean." Girl, 4

"No, it's my poop!" -during diaper changes, Girl, 2

"I just can't. I have the slow in me. It starts in my heart and goes through my body. There's no room for the fast." -Boy, 5, on getting ready for school.

"Mommy, wa wa why that lady open up your butt?" Boy, 3.5, regarding midwife exam.

"I touch a cow boobie to get the special milk out." Girl, 2

"Mom, I want some rubbers." Boy, 3.5, in reference to bracelets

"Stop. That makes my ears want to hide." Harper, 3, on mommy's singing

"Mom, I'm drunk." Christian, 3

"I have a turtle in my mouth." Harper, 3, (a.k.a. I have a frog in my throat)

"It's going to be a lot of poop mom, you'll need the plunger." Cecilia, 3

"Can we give Ruben a new name? A Spanish name. How about Tortilla?" Cecilia, 3

"Look mom, my penis is dancing!" Drew, 2

"It's called a biscuit. Not a wedgie." Cecilia, 3, on underwear problems.\

"I pet a sloth once. A long time ago in Africa. It was so soft." Harper, 2