What Not to Say to a Pregnant Lady

While it's not ok to comment on a pregnant woman's size, it IS ok to laugh at her jokes about her size. 

I think we all know that it's not ok to ask a woman if she is pregnant. Unless you are in the delivery room while the actual baby is being born, you should not ask. But that's only the start of the list. Here's some helpful alternatives to common pregnancy questions.

Inappropriate comment:
"You must be having a boy. They say boys steal your beauty."

Why this is not ok:
Because it's not. Even my four-year-old would know this is not ok to say.

Possible alternative:
"Hey, girl. You look great today." Lie, just lie. And if you're not comfortable with lying, offer to do her laundry while she takes a nap.


Inappropriate comment:
"How dilated are you?"-said by the grocery store cashier.

Why this is not ok:
If I'm just trying to buy a few groceries, please don't ask me about the size of my cervix.

Possible alternative:
Would you like paper or plastic?


Inappropriate comment:
"When were you due, yesterday?"-said to my neighbor who was five months pregnant.

Why this is not ok:
It implies she is bigger than she should be.

Possible Alternative:
"You look good. Want me to do your laundry for you?"


Inappropriate comment:
"Are you sure it's not twins?"

Why it's not ok:
I'm pretty sure if it were twins they would have told me at one of the 942 doctor's appointments I've gone to since I got pregnant. You basically just called me fat.

Possible alternative:
"Why don't you get off your feet while I do your laundry?"


Inappropriate comment:
"That explains why you've been nine months pregnant for the last four months." -My dumbass said this to my neighbor after she give birth to a toddler-sized newborn.

Why it's not ok:
Because there are literally a million other things to say to someone who has just had a baby.

Possible alternative:
Congrats. She's perfect. Way to go, Momma. Want me to do your laundry?

Regarding Having A Third Kid:

Inappropriate comment:
"You know they say two is company, three's a crowd."

Why it's not ok:
I'm already pregnant with our third. If I came to you beforehand and asked your thoughts on having three kids, that would've been a perfect time for this statement. Now it's a bit late.

Possible alternative:
"If your hands are full those first few months, let me know and I'll come over and do your laundry."


Inappropriate comment:
"You're going to want to kill yourself those first few weeks." -This has actually been said to me by two different people.

Why it's not ok:
This is in no way helpful or insightful.

Possible alternative:
"If you need someone to drink wine with after the baby comes, I'm your girl."


Honorable Mention Inappropriate comment:
"You must be trying for a boy."
(Most people do not consider this inappropriate, but for some reason it bothers me. If you tell me YOU hope I have a boy or you think I'm having a boy, it doesn't bother me at all. Confusing, I know. I blame the hormones.)

Why it's not ok:
It implies that having two girls is somehow incomplete. If you must know, we're not trying for a boy. We're just trying for not an asshole.

Possible alternative:
Congrats.

If you see something on this list that looks vaguely familiar, don't worry, we all fall victim to clumsy mouth sometimes. When in doubt, ask yourself this question: Is what I'm about to say a helpful statement? If not, just stick with "Congrats."