COSTUME WEEK DAY 3: "Watch Me (Whip/Nae Nae)" Music Video Stars

DAY 3: "Watch Me" Music Video Stars
Total cost for all four costumes: $9.39
Total time for all four costume: 25 minutes

Silento (Singer/Rapper)

• Red polo shirt (already owned)
• Jeans (already owned)
• Red headphones ($5, Five Below)

Steps

1. Get dressed

Tutu Girl

• Pink, yellow and blue tutus. I got two of each color so it would be fuller ($1 each, Dollar Tree)
• Shirt (already owned)
• Jean jacket. The little girl in the video wears a white one, but blue was all we had, so I went with blue. (already owned)

Steps

1. Get Dressed

Watch me whiiiiiip.

Watch me nae nae.

Red Dress

• Red dress or large red shirt (already owned)
• Black leg warmers or black boots (already owned)
• Yellow felt (39c, Michaels)

Steps

1. Trace and cut out "W" on yellow felt.
2. Glue to red shirt with fabric glue or hot glue gun.
3. Get dressed.

Now watch me superman.

Old Lady

• Yellow cardigan set (already owned)
• Black pants (already owned)
• Purse (already owned)

Steps

1. Get dressed.
2. Look WASPy :)

COSTUME WEEK DAY 2: Insurance Family

DAY 2: Insurance Family

Total cost for all four costumes: $28

Total time for all four costumes: 40 minutes

Mayhem (Allstate)

• Dumbells ($3.49 each, Target)
• Headband (already owned)
• Name tag (letters 2.99, Michaels)
• Bandage (already owned)
• Suit (already owned)

Steps

1. Make name tag
2. If you have a suit you're fine with ruining, ripping it at the shoulder seam would make an even better costume. 
3. Add bandage and dirt to face

Aflac

• White shirt (already owned)
• Orange pants ($4.50, Target. They're also turned inside out because they had hearts on them)
• Orange foam board (99c, Michaels)
• Elastic (already owned)
• Name tag (letters already owned)
• White feather boa (optional)

Steps

1. Trace a duck foot shape onto the foam board and cut an "x" in the heel large enough to fit over the foot.

   

   
   

2. Draw and cut out the duck bill from the foam board. Leave the center attached.
3. Poke two holes in the center of the duck bill and thread elastic through to make a mask.

   

   
   

4. Make name tag.

Geico Gecko

• Green shirt and pants or onesie
• Tan, green and black felt (39c each, Michaels)
• Black foam board (99c, Michaels)
• Headband (already owned)
• Name tag (letters already owned)

Steps

1. Make name tag
2. Draw and cut out tan felt tummy. 

   

   
   

3. Glue on shirt with fabric glue or hot glue gun.
4. Draw and cut out eye shape from black foam board. Include a tab at the bottom for glueing onto the headband.

   

   
   

5. Cover the eye shape, except for the tab, with green felt using a hot glue gun. 

   

   
   

6. Cut out eye balls from black felt and glue on. 

   

   
   

7. Glue tab to head band using hot glue gun.

We had to give her a lollipop so she wouldn't cry during photos. 

Flo (Progressive)

• White shirt (already owned)
• White pants (already owned)
• White apron ($5.99, Michaels)
• Blue letters ($3.99, Michaels)
• Black letters (already owned)
• Red lipstick (optional)

Steps

1. Add "Progressive" to apron
2. Add "Flo" to apron
3. Make "I Heart Insurance" pin

COSTUME WEEK DAY 1: Team Ronda Rousey

I'm kicking off a DIY costume series on the blog this week. Here are my criteria for costumes:

1. Easy

2. Cheap

3. Quick

4. Not a skanky version of something else (i.e. sexy nurse, slutty cat)

Day 1: Team Ronda Rousey 

Total cost for all four costumes: $11

Total time for all four costumes: 45 minutes

Ronda

• Black sweatsuit (already owned)
• Yellow letters ($2.99, Michaels)
• Mittens ($1, Dollar Tree)
• Black, silver, gold foam sheets (99c each, Michaels)

Steps

1. Add letters to sweatshirt. For a more permanent costume, use iron on instead of stickers.



This was her "tough" face. It's ridiculous.

2. Cut ends off mittens so they look like training gloves.

   

   For older kids you can consider taping their hands or adding tape on top of the mittens, but I thought this would be more comfortable for her.

3. Trace a circle onto a 12x18 inch piece of black foam board. (I traced a dinner plate) Leave strips on either side of the circles for the belt portion.
4. Trace a smaller circle onto the 9x12 inch piece of silver foam board. (I traced a salad plate)
5. Cut out the letters UFC from the gold 9x12 inch foam board.
6. Glue
   

   

   The actual UFC belt is not a circle. But I was having trouble free handing the actual shape, so circle it was!

7. Poke two holes at each end of the belt and thread ribbon through.

Referee

• White shirt (already owned)
• Black pants (already owned)
• Duct tape (already owned)
• Whistle (optional, but then you have to listen to whistling)

Steps

1. Tape stripes to the shirt. That's it. 

She's eating a chicken nugget right now.

Joe Rogan

• Microphone ($1, Dollar Tree)
• Name Tag (letters $2.99, Michaels)
• Suit or Tux (already owned)

Steps

1. Make name tag. 
2. Hand microphone to Joe.

Ronda Fan

• Yellow letters (already owned)
• pom pom (already owned)

Steps

1. Add letters to shirt. I chose "Fight Like a Girl."

A Different Kind of Post

When I was in eighth grade I was Confirmed.

If you're not Catholic, Confirmation is a rite of passage sacrament where you agree to continue your faith, among other things. As part of the process, you pick a confirmation sponsor whose role is to guide and assist you in your faith. Kind of like a godparent.

I picked my Aunt Mary. I should preface this by saying Aunt Mary is the funniest person I know. And  if there was anyone I'd want to sit in a long, dry, religious ceremony with, it would be her. In hindsight, maybe not the best criteria for a religious guide.

On the morning of the Confirmation ceremony the priest met with every student and their sponsor. He was a kind, lovely man, but he had an interesting speech pattern. He over-annunciated every word, had extra long pauses between his sentences and aggressively pronounced every single letter of every word. He also had a very wide, toothy grin--the kind where you can see molars. And he was somehow able to keep smiling his huge grin the entire time he talked.

When it was our turn to meet with Father, Aunt Mary picked up on his quirks right away. She immediately began speaking and smiling exactly like him. She was so convincing, in fact, that he didn't even notice he was being imitated.

There we were, sitting across from the priest in his office and I was just staring at her with my mouth open.

What are you doing?! I thought. You can't make fun of a priest!

I was barely hearing the questions he was asking me. Meanwhile, Aunt "Father" Mary didn't miss a beat. Every single tooth was visible as she answered all of his questions, made small talk and even told him I was just feeling nervous, is all.

It didn't stop there. The sponsors sit in the pew behind you during the ceremony. I was in the front row of the church. I could hear her behind me, still "in character", reciting all the prayers and songs. I'm almost certain my shoulders shook with silent laughter the entire ceremony.

At this point I was certain that instead of Olive Garden, we were going directly to hell immediately following the ceremony. I was pretty sure you can't make fun of a priest and you definitely can't make fun of one in a church.

As an adult, she used to joke with me for picking her as my sponsor.

"I'm surprised the church didn't burst into flames," she said once.

But this was Aunt Mary. She could find humor in everything. EVERYTHING. And there are thousands of stories like this. Anyone that has ever met Aunt Mary has a story--or 10--better than this one.

Sadly, Aunt Mary passed away yesterday. And when someone so full of life, with that big of a personality is gone, it can be hard to process. Harper saw me crying, and I tried to explain to her what happened.

"It's okay Mommy, we'll get you a new Aunt Mary," she said.

It was a very three-year-old thing to say, and it did make me laugh. But it got me thinking that there is no one on this planet anything like Aunt Mary. She was somehow the hilarious, inappropriate, life of the party, AND the loving, sensitive, Great Aunt who gushed over pictures of my daughters.

And while we never read the scriptures together, I stand by my decision for choosing Aunt Mary. She was an amazing wife, mother, sister, aunt and friend. She made light of everything. She was adored by everyone around her. You physically could not be in a bad mood when you were with Aunt Mary.

My life is richer for having known her. Until we meet again...

The Road to Hell

I started out with good intentions.

I thought taking the girls to explore a nearby cavern would be fun. So Monday morning we packed our lunches and got on the road. My first setback came when I saw it cost $26 to enter the cavern. It seemed like a lot of money to explore something that no one built.

But I happily paid it knowing how excited Harper would be. I imagined Future Harper graduating from geology school, speaking to her class about how a trip to a cave when she was three sparked an interest she never forgot. I couldn't put a price tag on that.

Then I found out we would be exploring the cave in a group led by a tour guide. Pre kids I would've thought this was great. With kids, I realize this just increases the number of people that my kids can ruin an experience for. My mommy alarm started quietly going off. This might be a bad idea, it said. But I had already driven the nearly two hours it takes to get there, so I figured we'd forge ahead.

We were with a group of about 15 people, most of whom I would grow to hate. We descended 68 stairs to reach the floor of the cavern. When we got to the bottom Harper looked around.

"This is amazing," she said wide-eyed. I knew it. I knew she'd love it.

"I'm hungry," she said approximately nine seconds later.

The tour guide began his intro: "No touching or climbing on anything in here."

There's virtually no chance of that happening, I thought. No climbing? Maybe. But no touching? That's just a pipe dream, Anthony.

"The tour is an hour and fifteen minutes long and a mile and a quarter in length."

That seems long. But if Violet gets fussy, I'll just turn around and go back.

"No leaving the group. The lights are on timers. Once we pass though an area the lights turn off. The cave is nearly impossible to navigate in the dark."

Sonofabitch. 

And there it was. The moment I realize why my mommy alarm was going off. It's very similar to dating when you finally realize why someone is still single. Yep, there it is. That's why.

So with Violet in the carrier and Harper with strict instruction not to climb, touch or spit on anything, we continued ahead.

Cue Violet. If I had to think of a list of places that are terrible for a baby to start crying, an echoey, exit-less cave would be at the very top of that list. Luckily she didn't cry the entire time. The last six minutes she was pretty happy.

Here's a list of people we were lucky enough to join on this adventure:

-The woman on a date trying to be cute: "Oh my. Guess what that looks like. I'm not going to say it, but I think you know," she said. Giggles. I'll say it. It looks like a penis. Everything in here looks like a penis. We are in a mile-long cave surrounded by penis-looking structures. Can we move on now, Carol? You're too old for this.

-The guy who had to take pictures of all the things but couldn't figure out why none of his pictures were turning out. Because it's dark. It was dark back there, it's dark right here, it'll be dark up ahead. You're in a cave. Enough with the pictures.

-The sneezer. He was the worst offender. This guy sneezed on multiple occasions and didn't cover his mouth. Like at all. Didn't even try. We are in a cave with no air circulation. How dare you, Phillip. If someone punched me in the face, I feel like after the fact we could talk it out and figure out why it happened. But if an adult sneezes and doesn't even attempt to cover their mouth, I will never be able to wrap my head around that.

-The helper. She was either very nice or trying to steal my stuff. She kept offering to carry my diaper bag. "Seriously I don't mind," she said. "I can see you need both of your hands." The thing is, I was already using both of my hands. One to pat Violet on the back, and the other to hold Harper's hand. My diaper bag is a backpack and I was wearing it--hands free--on my back. It was strange. Each time I declined. "Well, let me at least take your picture," she said. This is what she took:

Two-thirds of the people in this picture have their eyes closed. And Harper is hooking Violet.

Crushed it. Great pictures. Thanks for forcing your photography skills on me. 

But still, out of all these people, the most annoying person there was me. I knew it and they knew it.

Finally, the tour guide said the tour was concluded. And we did see some pretty cool things. Violet had temporarily stopped crying. Harper didn't permanently damage anything. I was beginning to think this might have been a mini success.

"Now if you'll all just follow me up these 68 stairs..."

Sonofabitch.

Home

They say you can never go home again. Well that's not true, I went home last week.

And if you're lucky like me, your room will still have all your high school pictures framed in it so you can be reminded that you were once much skinnier and your kids can ask about the not daddy pictures still on display.

Here's a few random thoughts about my visit:

We used to have a nice van. This is what the van looked like after 8 hours in the car with two toddlers.

And packing for two toddlers is like touring with Britney Spears. Seriously, we were gone for four days.

The zoo serves beer. This is genius. My mom, who forgot her glasses and just had eye surgery, was somehow able to spot a lone beer tap 50 yards away behind a concession stand. It was impressive. It's a super power I hope to have one day.

Granted, the beers were $6.25 a piece, but it made it much easier to have this conversation 98 times.

"Can I pet it?"
"No, that thing would rip your arm off."
"Oh. Can I take it home?"
"Still no."

(For clarification I had this conversation with my three year old, not with my mom.)

You can feed a giraffe at the zoo. For $3 you get three pieces of lettuce. Three. I felt like I was at Whole Foods.

Going snail hunting also looks like harvesting mounds of poop. Here's Harper with my little sister holding snails. Or poop. You decide.

My brother and sister-in-law have one baby yet they both carried a diaper bag when they came over. At first I thought it was a bit much. But then I got to wondering what they had that I don't have. I bet they have secret non mediocre parent things in their diaper bags. I just started watching The Walking Dead (yes I realize I'm late to the bandwagon), and it's caused me to look at people differently. I want to be near those two should a zombie apocalypse happen. I feel like they'll be prepared.

Speaking of preppers, my older sister might be one also. She brought a pool bag with her one day. Here's a list of the contents: swim suits, towels, water bottles, a box of frozen fettuccine alfredo. I have no explanation for this.

Also Sweet Violet has to be the only kid on the planet that doesn't cry during the eight hours in the car, but then cries for six straight hours once we reach our destination. Thanks for the memories Violet.

Harper the Brave caught her first fish with my dad. In theory that is a happy occasion. In reality, it has created an addict. I get hit with a plastic hook at least twice a day because she's "practicing" casting. The dogs don't even come out of their cages anymore.

Like any visit home, there are people we didn't get to see and people we didn't get to see enough of. When I'm home, I simultaneously feel that I haven't been home long enough and that I have been home too long and need to get the kids back on their schedules and routines before they become monsters. 

And like any family, there is always the occasional unsolicited advice. But with that advice comes their unwavering, unconditional love. Knowing that I could be having the best day of my life or the worst day ever and this group of crazies will love me and my girls exactly the same, with as much enthusiasm, on both days, is an amazing feeling. And for that, I am forever grateful. 

NYC Hates Babies (Part 2)

The girls at Bryant Park.

Not having learned my lesson the first time, the girls and I ventured back into New York City, this time with Erin and her almost two-year-old son, Patrick. We were headed to Bryant Park because they were having a Broadway concert series that day. We secured a small table and pulled up four chairs for me, Erin, Harper and Patrick. Violet would eat her lunch sitting in the stroller next to us.

Not two minutes after we sat down someone walked up and asked if we needed all four chairs.
"Yep, we'll be using all our chairs," I said with a smile and went back to digging through my purse. A couple minutes later someone asked again. And then someone else. And every time they seemed truly confused, and somewhat annoyed, that only two adults would need four chairs.

"Can I take one of these?" Someone else asked with his hand already on the chair.

"No. Move on," I said. My patience was at a low.

"Really? Jeez," he said.

"There are four humans here!"

It might have been a bit much. But the lady two tables over with a shitzu sitting next to her wasn't bothered once, from what I saw.

The funny thing is, kids hate sitting. They are allergic to sitting. So the whole time I'm fighting the good fight, contemplating making "Kids are People Too" shirts, at least one of the kids was not in their highly coveted chairs. I perhaps picked the wrong cause.

After lunch we went sight seeing. Here's Harper at the Empire State Building and Madison Square Garden. She was riveted.

In Macy's at Herald Square we decided it'd be a good time for a bathroom break. We walked up to a man folding shirts and asked where the closest bathroom was.

"The men's bathroom is right over there," he said.

I looked at myself (a girl), Erin (a girl), Harper (a girl), Violet (a girl) and Patrick (not a girl).

"You're in the men's department," he said for clarification.

Apparently if you work in the men's department at Macy's, the location of all other non-men bathrooms are kept top secret. I've been trying to teach Harper to only get the urge to use the restroom in gender appropriate areas, but apparently she isn't getting it.

After finding the restroom on our own, we headed out. The kind doorman saw us coming with our strollers and happily opened the door for us.

"Here ya go," he said and handed Erin Patrick's shoe that had dropped on the ground.

"Oh thanks! I didn't even know he took them off," she said.

"Eh, small brains," he replied.

I thought I heard him wrong, but Erin agreed she heard "small brains" too.  I'm not sure if he was insulting kids or women, though. I'd probably be able to figure it out, if only my brain weren't so annoyingly small...

The rest of the day went just fine. We got a lot of "Wow, you have your hands full" comments, which aren't exactly insults, but seem a little misplaced considering the parent to kid ratio was 2:3. The guy in the pizza shop told me to stop yelling at him when I ordered our pizza. Not sure what that was about. And Erin got her picture taken by someone who she thinks writes for a what not to wear blog. Here's Erin reenacting the photo:

But none of this matters because I had a blast those few days visiting New York. And I'd go back in a heartbeat. I could explore a paper bag with Erin and still have an awesome time. But since open letters seem to be popular on social media, here's mine:

An Open Letter to New York City

Dear NYC,

Go to hell.

Sincerely,

Laura